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The Suspension of Disbelief

10|28|09
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The following, culled from the Wikipedia entry for ‘Miley Stewart,’ (the Miley Cyrus character on little-girl show Hannah Montana) may mark the fiercest blow to human intellectualism in all of charted history:

Note on Miley’s age: According to her driver’s license seen in “Ready, Set, Don’t Drive,” Miley Stewart was born on November 23, 1992 – the same day as Miley Cyrus. Based on this, Miley was eight years old on Christmas of 2000 when she received a guitar, seen in “I Am Hannah, Hear Me Croak.” Miley is 13 in “Ooo, Ooo, Itchy Woman” (season 1) according to her recollection in “Promma Mia.” Therefore, while Hannah is said to be 14 in the first episode, Miley is actually 13. Miley has her 14th birthday in “It’s a Mannequin’s World” (season 1), according to a recollection in “He Could Be The One”. In “Achy Jakey Heart” (season 2), Miley says she is 14. In “Ready, Set, Don’t Drive” (season 3), Miley gets her driver’s license, and according to California law, she must be at least 16. Miley is 15 in “Don’t Go Breaking My Tooth” (season 3), saying that she will be 21 in six years.

Miley Cyrus

"ON FEBRUARY 2ND 2005, AT 13:16, MILEY CYRUS WAS SEEN IN TOKYO WITH A SAD DOG. STAY TUNED, WIKIPEDIA."

In the event that you missed my point amongst that fury of incredible puns (“Promma Mia”, indeed), please take a moment to re-read. After the fury disappears, read on.

I’m sure that, after a brief discussion on the merits of said technology, most of us might agree that the Internet, in all of his huge, beeping glory, is a terrible thing.  Giving voice to the voiceless never felt so gross, sweaty, and dark. Finding this sort of thing, which was likely scrawled onto a sweat-rag in a ramshackle pepsi-canned-man-cave, gives the reader a sense of shivering doom. In my mind, this doom-feeling arises from the primal urge to defend the pack by, say, not inviting Lester ‘MileyFan2351’ Atticdweller to the (hunting) party. And how could you? After all, one cannot fell a boar with trivia or start a fire with completely useless knowledge. Could it even be possible to be a Jack of Anything Else when you spend this much time scanning a children’s television show for garbage factoids? Is this knowledge applicable to anything?

Don’t answer that, because the answer is no. There is no maybe.

This is the type of problem that really ought to bring fear into the hearts of Americans. Forget H1N1 and nuclear enrichment in Iran — the upcoming boring demise will be caused by bizarre obsessions and wasted time charting out the every movement of a future nobody. Worse still is that, in that very same future, we all might be trapped in a dark, musty Wiki Hole, surviving only by drinking sweat and eating madness. Humanity won’t even be cool enough for a sweet apocalypse, and frankly this worries me.

This is further evidenced by the following, also sneakily cribbed from said Miley Stewart article…

Keeping Miley’s secret involves a two sided effort. As Hannah, she must keep her fans unaware that she is really a normal kid, and as Miley, she must keep her friends unaware that she is really Hannah Montana. In interviews, Miley Cyrus spoke of the implausibility of being able to keep a secret such as Miley and her family do in the show in a world of intense media scrutiny. The show however, remains workable primarily based on suspension of disbelief.

Sure, Lester, why not toss a bit of film/literary criticism into the mix. Wilde be damned! Camus who? Clearly such efforts are best concentrated on a show ranked #1 consistently* by 10 year old girls. (*Not a ‘real statistic’.)

We’re screwed. Want further evidence? Squeak your little mouse up to your address bar, crawl your way over to the Youtubes, and search “vlog”. I’m sorry in advance, it’s everywhere.

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