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The Best Damn Hair Goop for the Worst 12 Year Olds of 2009

12|04|09
by

Spend any amount of time around enough the youth of today and you’ll probably note that, after a certain hour, they begin to smell like a pack of weird Uncles out for a Full Moon Party. Talk to any of said youth, and you’ll realize that one horrible thing binds them all together: Axe body stuff.

Why smell like person when you can smell like an axe?

Fortunately, the consumer reach of Axe products has moved beyond smelly spray cancers and into the territory of smelly hair products. Even more fortunately my local dapper gentleman’s shoppe, the White Hen Pantry, was handing out free samples. After a co-worker gave them to me as a ‘gift’, I planned to use them for the forces of evil, and then I realized: I occassionally write for an Internet Blog®.

Axe "Whatever" Hair Garbage

(Yes, you heard right, it’s actually called “Whatever”. The chosen word of a generation of sloppy, vloggy, ne’er-do-wells. That just-washed, soft hair look? Psshh, whatever, Gramps.)

To be frank, my hair has been getting a little unruly, and so maybe there was a part of me that figured that this ‘messy’ look solution would offer some hope to my do-nothing-mop. Maybe I’d be stunned and shocked at just how wrong I was in my initial sarcastic, holier-than-you judgement. You probably see where this is going.

Making Great Decisions

Results? This stuff looks like dry gum. Consequently, it feels like dry gum too, which is not something you should ever then put in the stringy, fragile material connected to your scalp. It feels like rubbing glue on your head, and it smells like the backseat of a car without wheels. And it does this to your hair:

Ready For Prom!

To quote my girlfriend, Meredith, “You smell like an armpit.” Mission accomplished.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Karen permalink
    12|08|09 10:39 am

    I am howling with laughter right now. That last picture=amazingness.

  2. 12|10|09 10:10 am

    kyle, can you wear your hair like this more often? it’s… distinctive.

    ps y’all have a blog?!

  3. 02|13|11 11:16 pm

    I was looking for axes, the hardware tool, but instead found your hair article. I smell fine. You look like you had some kind of orgasm

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